Reality

I was due back at work on Tuesday but went to my doctor on Monday and she wasn’t happy to give me a fit for work note.

I’m really disappointed but in all reality I’m not ready to go back to work. My stamina and energy levels are shocking and my fluid retention means my feet are painful and twice the size they should be come 2 o clock. Maybe things would be different if I had an office job.

I am itching to get back to it but at the same time I’m being realistic. I feel like I am letting people down but I know my health comes first.

It just worries me. If I’m not well enough to go back to work now, when will I be well enough to go back to work? Will I ever be well enough to go back to work? I hope so. I really hope so. I’m not about to roll over and give up but if things don’t improve from this point… Something will have to give. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am, I’m not at Uni for the 3rd time for the fun of it, this isn’t just a career for me it’s what I have always wanted to do. I love being able to work with children, I love being able to watch them grow, help them on their way.

I’ve been told that the problems I am having and the symptoms I am feeling will be fixed with dialysis. So people are saying “why don’t you just start dialysis now?” Like it’s that simple.

Firstly I haven’t got any access to start dialysis. The Fistula in my arm is tied off and can’t be used and I won’t be rushing to have a neckline anytime soon if I can help it.

Once you start dialysis there is no going back. I can’t pick and choose when I want it. That’s it. That will be my life, 3 times a week, 4 hours at a time for the foreseeable future until I get a transplant.

Am I ill enough for dialysis yet?

I have plans, weekends away, holidays, birthdays, nights out! All these plans were in place before the dialysis word was mentioned, I’m not about to give it all up. Maybe I’m being unrealistic, it’s all out of my hands now. I trust my doctors with my life and when they say the time has come I know I will have no choice. Whenever that may be… In all reality I know I will never be ready for it, I will never be ready to give up my freedom.

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