Uncomfortably slow 

Uncomfortably slow.   A lovely Newton Faulkner song.  Have a listen, the words ring true for me right now.  


So don’t take my photograph ‘Cause I don’t wanna know how it looks to feel like this.  As cars and people pass.  It feels like standing still but I know.  I’m just moving uncomfortably slow, yeah, slow…
Something’s gotta change.  I know I’m lucky in a lot of ways. So why do I want more than what I have? 

I feel like I’m stuck in a rut.   I’m waiting for the inevitable to happen (dialysis) and want to go out and do loads of things before I have to spend hours out of my week tied to a machine but some days I don’t have the energy to get out of bed! 

I feel bad that the people that care about me worry about me and I feel like I’m holding A back from things he should be doing. 

The world carries on.  The odd friend texts to see if you are ok, others stop making plans with you and some don’t make contact at all.  Others you know would drop everything if you needed them.  I don’t expect people to take time out of their life to worry about me, I just feel like my world is standing still and everyone is having fun without me.  

People are having babies, getting married (this is not a hint A) and going on holidays.  People are having nights out, date nights and making plans.  Sometimes the biggest achievement of my day is getting dressed or washing my hair.   

I feel like I’m wasting my dialysis free time but don’t have the energy to do what I want to do – it’s a catch 22.  I have to cancel plans, some friends understand, some friends don’t. 

Don’t get me wrong I know people are worse off than me.  I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, I just want people to understand.  I have a disease.  A horrible condition that I feel is stripping me of the things I love.  But I won’t let it win.  I’ve done it before and I will do it again.  The people that matter don’t mind and the people that mind don’t matter.  The disease is a part of me but I am trying my hardest not to let it define me. 

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2 thoughts on “Uncomfortably slow 

  1. Some more lyrics for you;
    Always believe in your soul
    You’ve got the power to know
    You’re indestructible
    Always believe in, because you are
    Gold
    Glad that you’re bound to return
    There’s something I could have learned
    You’re indestructible, always believing

    The people in your life want to be there for you because they love you.
    Deep down what is stopping you doing things? Is it just energy? or something else? Can you push yourself past is a couple of times a week when you can maybe do things? Or even people/things you can do when you are having a good day? In the end, it doesnt have to be something big for making the most of things, just getting dressed and going to the movies is a good one. Low energy but stops you going stir crazy at home. Maybe even go on a car date night with A. Drive someplace nice, get a take away and sit in the car admiring the view. Go for a coffee some place and people watch. There are lots of things you can still do, it doesnt have to be huge.

    That being said, one of the biggest adjustments I ever had to make (and still am making) was not to base your life achievements (such as babies) on that of others. I didnt go down the traditional route of life and for so long I used to beat myself up over it. Judging my life compared to other peoples. But in the end, yes others have done things that I want to do so much, but you know what, I have done things they never will and perhaps things that they would love to do, but cant because of their life choices. We are all in the same life, but no ones path is going to be identical.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Kim. What a thoughtful message. It is mainly energy that is stopping me and right now a chest infection has floored me completely. Hopefully once the antibiotics kick in I’ll get my bum in gear, get out and enjoy the little things again x

      Like

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