Some of you will have heard this theory before. I have posted the link to this theory before, but I’m going to talk about it again. The spoon theory. In this link here the lady talks about having Lupus and how she has a number of spoons at the beginning of a day and each task she undertakes uses up one of her spoons. You can substitute the word lupus for kidney failure and apply this to me.
For example: I am not working at the minute, that would use up all my spoons and more. That’s before getting up, getting showered and eating throughout the day.
Cooking, cleaning, feeding the dog, washing my hair, washing up. Each one of these tasks that people take for granted uses up one of my spoons of energy. Some days I would only have 3 spoons, this would be a bad day, this day would mean I wouldn’t get dressed but I’d brush my teeth. I would eat a meal but not cook it because that would use up too many spoons. On a good day I would have lots of spoons and like this lady I would always plan for having a spoon in reserve for an emergency.
So if people don’t understand why I have to cancel plans on them, maybe I have run out of spoons, maybe something important I have to do (such as go to the doctors) might have cropped up at the last minute and that will steal my spoons for later.
I save my spoons for special occasions, so I know I have the charity event to go to tonight so today my spoons will be saved for later. I will have to factor in things like shower, washing my hair, drying it and straightening it, putting my makeup on, eating throughout the day and preparing these meals, I will have to think about traveling to and from the venue and having enough spoons to enjoy the night, mingling and chatting and travelling home. (Normal people don’t have to think about such details when planning a day, this is a normal day, I’m not planning a holiday!)
So right now I am still in bed (saving my spoons) tonight I will enjoy myself and tomorrow no doubt I will pay for it. I may have stolen some spoons from tomorrow to use tonight in which case I can write off tomorrow as a bad day with not many spoons to play with.
This is why you may wonder why I have cancelled plans with you but then seem well enough to go out the next day. I have to pick and choose what I do and do not do. I don’t lie when I say I don’t get out of bed some days, maybe I’m using that day in bed to recover from using too many spoons the day before, maybe I’m doing it in preparation to save some spoons for a special event later in the day or tomorrow?
So don’t judge me. Don’t judge photos you see of me. If I look really well when you see me maybe I spent 3 spoons trowling on the make up and doing my hair. Maybe it’s early in the day and I’ve not used many spoons up. If you see me looking ill maybe I didn’t have enough spoons to put makeup on today. Maybe I’ve used all my spoons and I’m running on empty.
It’s a big adjustment from a few months ago from having an unlimited supply of spoons and not having to worry to having to cut down to a minimal amount of spoons.
Kidney disease is a chronic illness. It’s an invisible illness, I don’t look sick. It doesn’t define me but right now I’m juggling spoons. Bare with me…